Background

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This was written in as one of several responses to a request from the Costa Rica Writers’ Group. If anyone wants to develop their writing skills do reach out to them.

Inspired by the comments Steven Fry makes about how cruel, mean and destructive his perception of God is I wrote this piece. It could form part of a possible book, ’Arguments with God’. That would cover many religions from around the world.

Given what happened to Salman Rushdie, I am looking for a volunteer to write, or at least to put their name to the chapters on Islam. Failing this there will be no book.

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A Personal Note.

1961- 64, I boarded for instruction as a Catholic Monk in a special part of our UK school. It was a life changing event. On escaping from this fate worse than death, I moved on to doing disreputable things in synch with my erratic hormonal development, a series of bad companions and transitory interests and enthusiasms.

A minor result of aspiration to a religious life was being top of the class in religious studies ever after. Yet, I believed none of it. A second result was a lifetime fascination with the old beliefs and superstitions of every one of the 100+ countries I have visited.

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Desperate Winter Needs in Northern Europe

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The darkness lasts for months. Shivering families swaddled in animal fur and rough woolen garb, huddle together in their half-buried dwellings. Snow covered; turfed roofs insulate the interiors. Blazing fires in central hearths, wreath the single rooms in reeking smoke. Even so, to step away from the flames is to exhale mist into the chill interior.

Outside, there are blizzards, ice storms and winds. They freeze the breath and ice beards. Those foolish enough to venture far from home die. On clear nights ghostly green auroras weave their spectacular dances across a myriad of glittering stars.

Our world was created from the skull of a giant, Ymer. His skull forms what we see above. Held in place by four dwarves, the firmament has pathways for our gods to roam. It would all be wonderful if it were not so damned bone chillingly cold.

Jól and Jólnir were among names we gave to Odin, our chief of gods. Later peoples somehow derived the word Yule from these to apply to our mid-winter celebrations. These were important to us.

We gathered for three days and nights. We performed sacrifices and rituals to win the gods’ favours. For most of us the opportunity to escape the confined fug of the shivering and fractious families drove away depression, averting madness and possible suicide.

Mingling, hearty feasting, and copious drinking with our fellow warriors and farmers made those harsh winters tolerable. We might find lovers or even life partners among those from distant villages. Thus, we seeded future generations.

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The Twilight of our Gods

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Some of your historians will tell you that our merchants found feigning or adopting the religions of our trading partners garnered better profits. Other converts were likely pressurized by nagging wives to become Christians, or later Muslims. Some argue that victory in battles proved the superiority of new gods over old. Personally, I cannot believe that most of these things could have changed our deeply held beliefs and customs so easily.

Here is what I think happened. The cunning Christian priests were ever greedy to collect a tenth of everything we won through our hardscrabble farming, raiding and trade. Avaricious, Christian popes sent missionaries to our Nordic kingdoms.

I imagine it went like this:

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Jarl Blood-Ax - ‘Thank you for the gold crosses and other tributes. Tell me more about your nail god and why we should adopt him. If you fail to convince me, we have a glorious death for you. It is called the Blood Eagle. Our own gods have served us well. They’re a bit like us really.’

(The Blood Eagle was a terrible Viking method of execution. The victim was strapped to a frame. A sharp axe was used to saw the ribs away from his spine. His lungs were lifted out and spread to either side like bloody wings)

 

Father O’ Flannel, the Missionary - ‘Well great king...’

‘I am not yet a king’

‘We can easily fix that. Let me continue. Firstly, we anoint our rulers as chosen by God. Rebellion against the king is a rebellion against God and results in eternal damnation in everlasting fire.’

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‘Nice idea. I rather like that. What else?’

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‘Well, we control vast territories. You will find powerful allies; markets for goods and slaves. Some will pay you for your warriors’ protection.’

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‘Fine, but what about these foolish commandments. I particularly object to Thou shalt not steal. Besides adultery and murder are among my favorite pastimes. The seers and our sagas tell that we will mainly be remembered for rape and pillage.’

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‘We have this wonderful thing called confession. You carry on with your usual behavior. You come and confess to me, tell me how sorry you are and promise not to do it again. All is then forgiven. Afterwards, off you go to do it all again. Also, if you wear a red cross on a white surcoat over your chainmail, you can do all that nasty stuff in the name of Christ. It becomes smiting God’s enemies rather than sin. The pope might even make you a saint.’

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‘Oh, that’s so clever. What about mid-winter parties? We really like those.’

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‘Well, we have to celebrate the birth of the savior. Mid-winter does very nicely. You can keep the trees. Everyone has to give you presents.’

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‘Love it.’

‘What happens when we die? Can we carouse with our fallen enemies and drink all day and night?’

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‘Well, it’s more heavenly singing and worshipping God really.’

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‘Hmm, that doesn’t sound much fun.’

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‘The other neat thing is that if you name your brother a bishop, he gets to keep all the tithes and ensures your people toe the line. He too can forgive all your sins. If anyone rebels, he burns them at the stake as witches.’

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‘Is there anyway of ditching the boring heaven bit? Those you say will be in Hell sound so much more fun.

‘But overall, it sounds like a plan. Between us two, some of our beliefs seem farfetched. Maybe I’ll persuade the Pope to change the heaven part. He’s infallible right?

Now, what kind of presents does he like?’